This weekend, my daughter was invited to a birthday party at an aquatic centre. It was one of those annoying kids’ parties where the parents are expected to stay (rather than do the drop off and then bolt to a local cafe with the other parents for a couple of hours of either latte or wine sipping – no judging, please).
“Got your bathers? Are you getting in?” someone asked me.
“Ha! No. I don’t own a pair of bathers!” was my response.
And it’s true – I don’t own a pair of bathers. I can’t remember the last time I got into a pool. The thought of being in bathers around others gives me nightmares. There are parts of my body that I take great lengths to cover up, and lumps and bumps are definitely not for public viewing. I see it as a community service – no one needs to see my knees!
I know this is ridiculous. My body does all it’s meant to do – it gets me up and about; it conceived, grew and produced a child; it allows me to work, play and live and it supports me as I teeter around on ridiculously high heels. It does everything it’s meant to do.
And yet, when I think about my body, all I can see is the problem areas. I spend a lot of time sucking in my stomach and being beyond critical.
I am also conscious of the fact that there is a seven year old girl in my house and I am already hearing stories of her friends commenting on their bodies. Positive role modelling is important and I try to do that by never complaining about my body in front of her, only ever referring to her body in terms of health and strength, and never commenting negatively or positively on other people’s bodies. We don’t have trashy magazines in the house, we don’t watch TV shows about weight loss and there is no praise or discussion of celebs that shed their baby weight in three minutes flat.
A couple of years ago, I joined a women’s only gym. There was the ‘inspiration wall’ where we were meant to put a photo of how we wanted to look after we ‘got in shape’. There was photo after photo of size 6 models in bikinis.
Each time I swiped my card at the gym, one of the perky assistants would look up and say “Where’s your inspiration photo, Renza? Who do you want to look like when you reach your goals?” I can still remember the looks of disbelief when I brought in my photo, a picture of a healthy cardiovascular system. “That’s my goal,” I said. “Health.” My photo never made it up on the wall.
Generally, conversations about bodies are about beauty. It’s rarely about health. How do we change the parameters for these conversations?
I don’t have the answers to this issue. It is so complex and my own personal situation is fraught. I am not happy with my body. Does this mean I have body image issues? I worry about putting on weight for shallow-I-want-to-wear-that-dress reasons, but also for health reasons. I know how extra weight affects my diabetes. I know how diabetes affects my weight. I also struggle with the fact that when I do try to exercise, I hypo. And need to eat. It frustrates me beyond belief!
There is some great information out there about diabetes and body image. But I think it focuses on the extremes. And whilst it’s incredibly important to provide information for those living with both diabetes and an eating disorder, we need to find ways to speak about how we feel about bodies when the situation isn’t so extreme. We need to speak about these issues without being judged, told to ‘just get over it’ or given a pop-psychology lecture about taking control of our destinies (I may have lifted that last line from The Biggest Loser website. Or not.)
Does the first step for me involve biting the bullet, buying a pair of bathers, putting them on and heading to the local pool with my daughter and splashing around with her? Trying, desperately trying not to feel self-conscious. And I need acknowledge the great things my body has done and continues to do. And somewhere in there find acceptance.
More information?
Read the National Diabetes Services Scheme Eating Disorders and Diabetes information booklet here.
Eating Disorders Foundation of Victoria.
7 comments
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February 1, 2012 at 3:06 pm
Helen Edwards
great stuff Renza. Long term body image issues here but trying hard to love this body of mine with all its wrinkles, flabby bits and additional items! 🙂
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February 1, 2012 at 9:58 pm
C
Very thoughtful post, Renza! Without realizing it you talk about Health At Every Size. Health, not weight, really is more important. I have a series of posts on my blog about this same topic too!
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February 1, 2012 at 11:02 pm
Mairi-anne
Its hard to answer, you could sound vain, or a bit unrealistic because others see you in a different way then you see yourself. Anyway here i go honestly 100%. I am overweight, i have a tummy Im not proud of and would never wear bare arms, they are too fat. But having said that I LOVE myself, i don’t have the body i had 30 years ago (I just turned 50) but i don’t have the mind i did back then either…both mind and body have grown and grown and developed over the years and will continue to do so. Its really hard because these days its how others see you and judge you…and to them I say.. IM HAPPY.
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February 2, 2012 at 3:06 pm
Jeann
Oh, Renza! Renza! Renza! I must admit that I haven’t seen you for 2 or maybe, 3 years but I remember you as a slender attractive person. Of course, I wasn’t looking at your ‘bumps and lumps’ but your lovely face with sparling eyes, a gorgeous smile and a vibrant personality. These dominated all other things.
Personally, I like you for your personality. It doesn’t appear to have ‘lumps and bumps’ but even if it does so what!
Get out in those bathers and enjoy life with your beloved daughter.
I am 64 with many bumps and lumps but I will be wearing bathers on a cruise in October. Pay all that money and miss out. No way!
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February 2, 2012 at 8:16 pm
Tori
The first step? The first step is accepting who and what you are and loving yourself regardless – and not caring what anyone else thinks.
I suspect you are too young as a diabetic to understand some of the truly awful things diabetes used to do to bodies – hyperlipidaemia, hypolipidaemia, scarring etc. And that’s a great thing – that you are really really unlikely to ever experience those awful side effects of previous diabetes treatments…. but don’t deny your daughter the joy of playing in a pool, or ocean, or any kind of water-based activity simply because you’re self-conscious. You’re not doing yourself – or her – any favours by doing so.
Go out there and LIVE!
As others have said, we are all far more conscious of our faults than “outsiders” – and as someone who had a complete stranger come up to me at age 11 on a beach and tell me I was fat and ugly (I was malnourished due to inappropriate diabetic management back in 1975), it took me a LONG time to get over it and learn that his – and others’ – opinions are transitory and unimportant – and only as powerful as *I* allow them to be!
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January 9, 2013 at 2:54 pm
Bathers, beach and a bitchin’ low « Diabetogenic
[…] Big deal, I hear you all sigh. But it is! I can’t remember the last time that I wore bathers. I’ve written about my body image issues before, but this year, I decided to bite the bullet, buy a gorgeous new pair of togs and wear them to the […]
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January 9, 2013 at 9:30 pm
Fraudster
Great post, Renza. I truly hate it that exercising causes hypos – capriciously. Experienced this today whilst doing a gentle 8k bike ride.
BTW: thought you looked great at our recent dmeetup. Just saying.
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