From when I was a young whippersnapper of a girl, I kept a diary. It was very much in the ‘dear diary’ style and was full of age-relevant angst:
It’s not fair! My sister is cuter than me and because she is younger gets all the attention.
Love (a 7 year old and clearly whiney – although right about her being cuter than me) Renza
I hate my body. I wish I liked the way I looked.
Love (a 13 year old) Renza
I really like the boy at the tram stop. Will he notice me?
Love (a 14 year old and yet to learn ‘he’s just not that into you’) Renza
I’ve met a guy. I really like him. Like, REALLY. He might like me.
Love (a 20 year old) Renza
You get the picture. When I go back and read through my old diaries I laugh about the things that were taking up all my thinking time. And I sometimes feel embarrassed at the desperation I read in my words. Everything was such a drama!
But the thing I love about them is that I know that every word I wrote was honest. There was no need to sugar coat anything because the pages were for me and me alone. Really, these diaries are a candid snapshot – warts and all – of my rather boring life.
I don’t keep a diary anymore. There are times when I will sit down and write something about what’s going on, but it generally gets deleted or thrown away. Of course, I write this blog about diabetes – MY diabetes – but it’s only part of what is going on in my life. And whilst everything you read here is factual, there is a lot I don’t write about. Much of my story isn’t just mine – it involves all the people around me. Whilst I may in passing mention my family, friends or workmates, it’s not up to me to share their stories. Which is unfortunate, because believe me when I say they are far more interesting than am I (and the kiddo is hysterical!).
I am very conscious that I am not the only person reading this. And I want the three or four of you who do read Diabetogenic to like me, so I hide some of the more difficult aspects of living with diabetes. The result of this is that sometimes I give the completely false suggestion that I have it all worked out – which couldn’t be further from the truth.
It’s for this reason, that I love this Tumblr.
My Diabetes Secret is a virtual dumping ground that allows people to be honest about how they are feeling about living with diabetes. Because they can post completely anonymously, it is brutally honest. There is no need to censor the sadness or frustration or extreme anxiety that diabetes can bring.
I like to read it to remind me that I am not the only one struggling with this condition some days. The diabetes blogs I read (and the one that I write) lack a lot of the rawness evident in My Diabetes Secret. This is absolutely not because we’re trying to deceive. But putting things out there about just how much pain we are sometimes experiencing is difficult.
I love to read diabetes blogs and I love the people who write them. Our stories mirror each other frequently. They provide great comfort and they make me feel far less isolated.
But some days, I need to know that there are others feeling the extreme anger, anxiety and hate that I am about this condition. Whilst I don’t necessarily want to share details of it here – of those deep, dark fears that keep me company when I can’t sleep – it is incredibly reassuring to know that others feel the same way.