Today I hate diabetes.

I am completely and utterly sick of the World Diabetes Day messages that are scrolling through my screen. I am over looking at posters and diabetes empowerment messages and I cannot be bothered being involved in the activities that are all around me. I don’t want to talk about it – which is actually really unfortunate as I am giving a Grand Rounds talk at the Austin Hospital today about life with type 1 diabetes.

This morning I am hypo-fucked after dealing with a low that would not quit. This is the sort of low that mocks and teases and is just plain cruel. And when it finally passes, glimpses and flashbacks plague my mind for the coming days, reminding me how vulnerable and scared I feel.

I needed help to manage it – and I absolutely hate making my lows someone else’s problem. Eventually, after a jar of jelly snakes, raisin toast and two glasses of milk, my BGL started to resemble something respectful and I was able to change out of my sweat-soaked PJs. Despite being in something dry and under a warm doona, I was chilled to the bone and shivered for an hour before finally falling asleep.

Today, diabetes made me break a promise I’d made to my daughter – a walk to school with the puppy. But what made me feel even worse was the way she nodded her head in acceptance – and understanding – of why I was breaking the promise. I hate that diabetes is part of my daughter’s life because of me. I hate that she understands diabetes. I hate that she ‘gets it’ when I tell her that I can’t do something because of my stupid blood sugar.

Today I hate diabetes.

Today, I feel defeated. Today, I desperately want to not be living with this condition.

Yesterday, I took part in Diabetes Queensland’s WDD social media campaign that asks people to share what ‘type 1 diabetes for me is….’ (#T1D4MeIs). Here is what I came up with:

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Today, my poster would look a lot different. It would have just one word.

fear

Today I hate diabetes. I don’t feel empowered. I don’t feel ‘in control’. I just feel sad. And scared.

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