As someone who is rather passionate about the words we use when we are talking about diabetes, I was framing how I would respond in my endo appointment when I finally received my pathology results yesterday. ‘Path results are not a moral compass, Renza. They give you a snapshot of data and that is information to help you inform treatment decisions moving forward. Nothing more. Nothing less. Your value as a person is not based on the numbers on the paper.’ I repeated the words rhythmically over and over and over again.

And maybe, I almost started to believe them.

I walked into the office and sat down anxiously. With a smile, she handed me sheets of paper. ‘You’ll be happy,’ she said to me. She told me my A1c as she knew that was what I would want to know first.

I flipped through the papers, the numbers starting to blur. I heard the A1c number but the rest stopped making any sense. ‘I don’t know what I’m looking at all of a sudden!’ I said to her.

Ah,’ she said. ‘Let’s start with your kidney check because I know that always worries you.’

We went through all the other results too. I was smiling and almost bursting into tears. ‘I’m so pleased,’ I said. ‘I’m so pleased with myself.’ And it’s true. I was feeling good about myself. And then I stopped taking.

Of course I was pleased; the results were all good. The numbers were in my target range. All of the worries I’d had for the last week melted away. But along with the celebration, I was starting to feel uncomfortable.

If the numbers were not where I wanted, my response would have been disappointment and, perhaps a little shame. I would not have been pleased with myself, instead chastising my lack of effort and feeling I was not enough. Yet, the effort would have been the same regardless of the numbers on the page.

Try as I might, I cannot divorce the idea that an in-target number is somehow connected to my value as a ‘good person’, which translates to an out-of-target number means I’m not. I fight this idea all the time. I write about it, I talk about it, I genuinely thought I believed it. Does the entrenched messaging we are told over and over again by some HCPs mean we actually should assess our own value as people based on numbers (a pathology check, BGL check, CGM trace, weight, blood pressure….)? Can we simply not move beyond the judgement?

I pushed away the thoughts and tried to just breathe with the relief I was feeling.

I walked out, paid the bill and walked to my car. I decided that I wanted to share the good news with Aaron, and I sent him a text with my A1c result. He responded perfectly with a gorgeous message…and then brought me Tim Tams for dessert.

And while we were munching on those Tim Tams, I said to Aaron, ‘You know, I’m really pleased with everything here. I’m pleased with my A1c, but the thing that relieved me more than anything are these five words…’ I leaned over and pointed to the paper at the five words I was referring to:

And I breathed out. Possibly for the first time in a very, very long while.