Last Wednesday, I walked into a local pathology office, rolled up my sleeves, held out my arm and watched as the pathology nurse filled three vials of my blood to be sent away. I then peed into a little yellow-lidded plastic jar, placed the jar in a plastic bag and handed that to the nurse waiting outside the bathroom.

And then I walked out of the office, headed to one of my favourite cafés, sat down and worked for a few hours.

I’d like to say that’s end of a very boring story. But it’s not. It’s Monday today and for the last six days, I’ve not stopped thinking about those drops of blood and pee. (I know; slightly gross.)

This week on Wednesday, I have an appointment with my endo. It’s a follow up from my visit last month. I walked out of that consultation with the path slip in my hands and a promise in my head and heart that I would go and have the blood draw done and face the results.

It’s been a very long time since I last had my A1c checked. Very.Long.Time. As in – no freaking idea the last time. It’s also been a while (the same length of time, I guess) since I had any other diabetes complications screening. I’ve not had my kidney function measured or my coeliac screening done. With only half of my thyroid still in my body, (the right half was removed along with a benign tumour back in 1998), I should be having that checked regularly. But I’ve not.

I don’t know why I am so committed and diligent about getting my eye screening done, but that is truly the only diabetes screening that is always – ALWAYS – up-to-date.

So for the last six days, I’ve had many hours, often in the dark of the night when the rest of the household is sleeping, lying wide awake wondering what those drops of bodily fluids have to say. (Again, yuck.) That’s when the nasty self-talking me comes out.

The nasty self-talking me is destructive. She’s relentless and actually quite nasty. ‘I bet your A1c is high, Renza. Really high. And I bet that your urine test is going to show some problems with your kidneys. And you know what? If there is, it’s all your own fault for not being on top of it.

My nasty self-talking me hasn’t read the Diabetes Australia Language Position Statement and says things like ‘You’re totally non-compliant. You know that, right?’ and ‘You’re a bad diabetic. The results are going to not be good at all.’

Last night I dreamt that it was Thursday and I’d missed my appointment, and try as I might, no one would give me my results. I called my endo’s office and the receptionist told me that as I’d forgotten to show up for my appointment the results had expired and disappeared. And then she called me non-compliant and unreliable. (This is so totally not what would happen because she is delightful and lovely and no one in my endo’s office is nasty and judge-y.)

When it’s not the middle of the night and I am thinking logically, the usual self-talking me – the rational one – says sensible things. ‘Yep, you’re right. It has been a while since you had all your screening things done. But you’ve done it now and that’s awesome. Just sit tight until Wednesday and then you’ll see where things are. And if there are problems, we can address it then. Do you need a new pair of boots?’

And when nasty self-talking me says things like ‘Bad, bad diabetic whose A1c is going to be terrible’, the rational self-talking me says ‘It’s just a number. You know that. And if it is higher than you would like, you can put some strategies in place to bring it back to where you are comfortable.’

I like the rational self-talking me. She’s sensible and uses words I like to hear. But it does seem that when there is even a shadow of doubt, she is very much overwhelmed by the nasty self-talking me. And, boy, does she has some attitude! She makes me feel that I should measure myself by numbers. She makes me feel like a failure for not always staying on top of all my diabetes screening. She makes me feel that if anything goes wrong I am to blame. She’s nasty. Really, really nasty!

So right now, with rational self-talking me typing away, I’m putting this here for the next couple of days (and for future reference) when nasty self-talking me is the louder voice:

  • You are not defined by your A1c or any other number.
  • You are not a bad person because you have let some of your diabetes management slip.
  • If it turns out that the results are not what you hoped for – in any way – you can and will deal with that.
  • And it’s not your fault if that is the case.
  • Diabetes complications do not mean that you have failed.
  • You work bloody hard to manage your diabetes as best as you can at any moment and you should go and eat a cupcake right now to congratulate yourself for that.
  • If you feel that you could be doing better, work out how to make that happen. Your endo appointment on Wednesday might be a good place to start.
  • Tell that nasty self-talking part of you to piss right off.
  • And yes. You do need a new pair of boots.

After my pathology visit, I went to one of my favourite local cafes which sometimes has puppies to cuddle. How cute is Juno?!

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